Chapter 12
I woke up with the sound of knocking on the door. After answering in a succinct affirmative, I wiped the tears pooled at the edge of my eyes as the door of the hospital ward opened. I was quite surprised because the concept of consent before entering was seldom practiced here, what with the staff being busy, or so they say.
“Mahiro—”
A familiar warmth coursed through my body when I heard the voice. My blurred vision cleared up when my sight landed on the silhouette of a man.
“Oh, Dad?” I blinked a few more times to make sure I was not dreaming but the burning pain in my eyes insisted that it was indeed reality.
There he was, the apologetic but resentful father of mine, standing outside. His usual casual attire consisted of a denim jacket, pants, and in his hand was a dangling box of my favorite chocolate. The old man looked like he’s waiting for me to let him in. My unfulfilled filial piety kicked in and I sighed as I nodded at him, letting him know that he’s welcome.
“What’s up?” I asked passively.
“I should be the one asking you, you silly girl! I heard that your condition suddenly changed, and I flew immediately despite my busy schedule. I’m sorry I’m late. Are you okay now?”
My father closed our distance with teary eyes. However, despite his compassion, I only felt uncomfortable. It’s inside my skin, and it’s crawling.
It’s because I couldn’t help but feel that he’s blaming me for his lost day at work. I clenched my fist in annoyance. My body responded well to this kind of feeling because I had been dealing with this since I first came here.
‘I’ll die when this month ends, why can’t you treat me like a daughter for once?’
“That’s right…Yeah, it’s okay, I am okay. Thank you, Dad.” Gritting my teeth, I responded to his words.
“Yes, then I’m glad.” He smiled apologetically then casually sat at the sofa provided for visitors. Soon after silence enveloped us. I think it’s probably a good 3 to 4 minutes of silence.
After the uncomfortable calmness, he once again apologized. “I’m sorry I didn’t bring any souvenirs because I was in a hurry.”
Why do you have to apologize? I was worried that this bothered them like this. Now, I felt more guilty than happy. I felt like not just a worthless person but also a worthless child.
I gulped before speaking to hide my cracking voice. “Souvenirs are all over, I think I saw a keychain being sold at the lobby of the hospital… But I’m glad you came. I’m sorry for the trouble, but thank you for worrying.” I smiled.
Haha, I finally got to flash the smile I’ve been practicing.
“If this is fine with you, it was worth it for us. But I’m sorry darling, I couldn’t take much time off because it was so sudden and I have to take tonight’s flight home.”
“So soon… but I understand since you went through all of this trouble for me.” My throat dried up for some reason as I gulped the guilt that I was feeling. I was not comfortable being the shackles that tie my parents to the good and happy life they deserve.
My dad’s rugged hand touched my head to console me as I was sorry for the inconvenience of the situation.
He laughed dryly, while smoothing his messy hair that was all over the place, and said, “Don’t stress out too much, child!”
“Don’t say that alright? I came because I wanted to see you. That’s not a thing to be sorry for.” He flashed his ever so lovely smile and handed me a piece of chocolate.
“Dad—”
“It’s only natural for a father to worry about his daughter.” I looked down. If losing me was the only way they could be problem-free, then it’s not a bad proposition at all.
I frowned since it’s the only way for me to hide the pain in my chest. I silently pondered, ‘I’m sorry, dad. But I think that I won’t be able to meet you when the promised day arrives. I’m sorry to put you in this kind of a mess.’
“—Mother too.” He mumbled the first part and caused an instant hearing disability for me.
“Huh?” I replied quickly. I thought I heard something about mom and immediately my mood lightened.
” Your mom wanted to come but couldn’t.”
“Yeah that’s right, I noticed only now Mom isn’t here.”
Yes, this is rare. Whenever they visit Japan, it’s usually only mom, and dad rarely comes if he’s alone… I wonder if something happened to her. My hand trembled at the thought of Mom.
‘No, think straight. Think positively.’
“That’s right, your Mom shouldn’t tire herself out.” There’s a hint of doting in his words, but it was overpowered by his worried face.
Now I’m worried too!
“Well, what happened? Is she sick? Injured? Dad what happened!” I almost jumped from my bed and injured my dying heart because of the worrying. If dad wasn’t there to hold me down, I would’ve fainted.
“It’s okay, that’s not the case. She just needs to take extra care of herself.” He softly reminded his sick and frail daughter that was named Mahiro. But I couldn’t get rid of the nervousness inside of me and was eager to know what was going on.
“Stop prolonging the tension Dad, please spill it out already!”
My dad smiled gently at me, who was involuntarily trembling with confusion, anxiety, and excitement. Huh. Weird.
“Mahiro, you’re going to be an older sister.”
“I’ll be a what?”
“Oh, by the end of autumn your sister or brother will be born.”
My jaw dropped. Mixed emotions, all pointing to happiness, lingered within me!
When the flower wilts, another one will replace it.
I’ll have a younger sister or younger brother …
My body felt a hot feeling surging within. I often wished for a sibling from when I was young to up till now. Every time I meet a child at the hospital, the sibling space inside my heart tickles. But I couldn’t say that to my parents who were very annoyed by my illness. I knew well from the looks of the parents accompanying other hospitalized children that the burden on parents would more than double if they had siblings.
“Our Mahiro looks happy—”
“Huh?”
“You always wanted a brother.”
I was surprised by my father’s words. It’s just that because of my guilty conscience bothering me, most of the time I remained silent. And regarding me wanting a sibling, I’d never actually told them anything. I wonder how they knew.
“H-how?”
“Truly Pumpkin, Dad and Mom have long noticed that Mahiro wants a brother.”
“Uh… Uh?”
“Because I’m a parent?”
Once again, Dad stroked my unwashed hair and then continued with an apologetic look. “But, I knew it… I wasn’t comfortable going back and forth to work, that’s why we are planning on moving here with your sibling. Hopefully, I’ll get a job at a branch here.”
“That’s—”
“Oh. When Mahiro-chan leaves the hospital, we can all live together again.”
“Really!?”
“Yes, really. I’m sorry to have made you feel lonely until now.”
The thought of me living together with my family brought a flush to my cheeks.
For a long time, I was happy. I was really happy. When the child is born, I’ll take care of her or him a lot. If it’s a sister, I’ll choose cute clothes. If it’s a younger brother, although I am a sick girl, we’ll fight together …
With that in mind, I realized that such a future would never come. Because by the time the child was born, I wouldn’t be in the world anymore …
“Mahiro?”
“Huh?”
“What’s wrong? Are you tired?”
“Oh yeah. No, it’s not —”
I laughed in vain because if I didn’t, dad would be sad. What a cruel world.
“I was excited and was looking forward to it, and this part became a bit painful,” I said while pointing at my side. What a silly liar Mahiro. I scolded myself in my heart.
“You’re silly.”
Dad scrunched his face and laughed as I looked down. I will miss this kind of moment.
He said, “Please rest a little,” and forced me to lie down on the bed, and he plopped a quilt on my shoulder.
“I’ll check with the doctors and nurses, I hope you’ll sleep a little.”
“—All right.”
Dad went out of the room with a sense of security when I answered positively.
“I’m gonna be a sister.” I muttered in the hospital room where I was alone now.
I couldn’t help but think about this. I couldn’t help but want it. But still …
“I want to see my brother一”
When I muttered my wish, tears spilled from the corners of my eyes sucking me inside the quilt.
I woke up crying. I guess I’ll sleep crying again.